Sometimes I sit there, listening to my stomach rumble, eating itself and it's still not good enough.
I just wanted to be a little smaller, fit into that smaller size.
I never expected it to stay with me and be this bad. I never wanted two different people in my head, I never wanted pain.
I want to eat, but the voice starts, and then the other one. It's a tug-a-war between the two, and I'm the rope being pulled two different ways. I can only be pulled so much before I tear and fray.
I stand there looking.. wanting to reach for the tuna can and slice of bread with butter. A voice tells me to take it.. you need to eat today.. and as my hand stretches out, the other voice is yelling at me, I don't deserve it, I'm not good enough for food, I'm just.. not good enough, I havent made progress, I'm lazy and have no control. I never wanted this, I never wanted this.
Can I just sit at the dinner table with my family and et a whole meal without counting calories, thinking of purging after even though I can not throw up because of my non existant gag-reflex.
Why can't I be like a normal person?