Sometimes I sit there, listening to my stomach rumble, eating itself and it's still not good enough.
I just wanted to be a little smaller, fit into that smaller size.
I never expected it to stay with me and be this bad. I never wanted two different people in my head, I never wanted pain.
I want to eat, but the voice starts, and then the other one. It's a tug-a-war between the two, and I'm the rope being pulled two different ways. I can only be pulled so much before I tear and fray.
I stand there looking.. wanting to reach for the tuna can and slice of bread with butter. A voice tells me to take it.. you need to eat today.. and as my hand stretches out, the other voice is yelling at me, I don't deserve it, I'm not good enough for food, I'm just.. not good enough, I havent made progress, I'm lazy and have no control. I never wanted this, I never wanted this.

Can I just sit at the dinner table with my family and et a whole meal without counting calories, thinking of purging after even though I can not throw up because of my non existant gag-reflex.
Why can't I be like a normal person?


There is a guy at work, who has a hard time at home.. and when he talks to me about it.. I just am blank, I don't know what to say. I want to just hug him and tell him it's going to be alright, and I'm here for him.
But he has probably heard that before, and think I'm just another person pretending to care. But I'm not.. I just don't know what to say in situations like that.. and really.. what can you say?
You can't say anything, you just have to be there for them, and help them to keep going when they are convinced they can't go any further.
As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words.