Do you?

Do you ever sit on your bed alone, with your bottle of straight vodka, downing as much as you can to numb the pain.
Do you ever reach for the blade to feel something, to know some part of you is alive?
Do you ever look at yourself and think how on earth you got the the point you are at now?
You look at the four walls, you look at the blade, your vodka. You could end it all, but you don't, you choose not to, instead you get undressed, slice open your thigh and watch the blood run down onto your sheets and through to your mattress, you let one tear drop down onto your pillow, and another. You slice another part of your leg and soon you can't stop, the pain feels nice, the cloudiness from the alcohol, everything is okay for once, you forget everything. The mistakes you made, the friends you pushed away, how you are alone. You have nothing to live for anymore. Nothing. One right move could take you away.
Maybe the girl with the makeup, blonde hair, the girl who is always laughing and joking and goes to parties is the same girl who hides her carved skin, hides her pain, only for herself to see.
The four walls surrouding her at night get smaller and smaller, until she can not longer breathe, maybe that same girl will snap, and everyone will see her clearly for once, broken. She's broken inside.


Wow times sure change.

Me about 3-4 years ago

Me now

Bullying, some of my experiences, it's jumpy but I had to get it off my chest.

I don't know, I mean I walk around and I would spend $40 on a teapot because I liked the way it looked, or I think it would look nice on my dresser. People think that's weird, and a waste of money, but I appreciate nice things, and I could spend an easy couple of hours in a little nick nack store, or old jewlery store just looking, and thinking about the patterns and how one small thing can brighten up a room.
I went to the brunswick show today and everyone was buying show bags full of dora umbrellas and fairy wands and things that would be useless to me, so I wander around and browse at some of the stores that arnt so popular and I enjoy it, to just be on my own, taking my time looking at things.
It's funny how different everyone is, isn't it?

On that note, it's funny how different personalities are also, I mean, people werent born homophobic, people werent born nasty, or sad.
So it all comes down to their upbringing, surroundings and school life.

I know my school life wasn't that great, and it has effected me greatly, the bullying, being alone, it's all effected my life, and I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm being honest here. Years seven to ten were the worst, I just felt helpless and alone, and throughout year eight/nine I thought fuck it, if I'm going to feel this shit everyday of my life, I might as well take it out on someone else, and that's exactly what I did, I took my fustration and anger out on other people. I went from bullied to bully.

And can I just, from being on both ends of the stick, neither feels good.
High school was fucking hell for me, and that's the real reason why I dropped out, not because I wasn't interested in subjects, I was, I loved English and Maths, but I just got so fed up with being the school loser, and never being good enough, and being looked at weirdly, laughed at and stupid comments that just made you not want to exist, so I left. And people think I'm stupid for it, and somedays I say to myself' Simone, you let fucking close-minded, assholes drive you to the point where you are now, just grow a back bone and deal with it'
But it's not that easy, is it?
It's never that easy.

Even when you leave high school and the bullying stops, it still effects you throughout your whole life. The comments get stuck in your head for life.
People just don't understand the effects it has on people, death, self harm, mental health issues (eating disorders/depression etc)
Just a small comment like 'fucking ugly mut' can just be the last button that could drive them over the edge.
Take a deep breath, open your mind and think before you say something.
Walk away, count to ten, and treat people how you want to be treated.


This is me today.
I still feel like complete shit, sleep does not help.
I couldn't even walk this morning I was in so much pain from my leg, it was bandaged up but I took it off this morning to shower.
I know this is bad, but I'm afriad it's too late to back out now, I'm hooked.


My sheets are stained red, my legs are sore.
I'm tired.
I lay there sometimes, thinking of the times I used to really smile.
I used to be friendly, I used to be someone.
I used to be a lot of things, none of them being this.
A ghost.


You're standing there, looking over the edge.
Everything looks so tiny.
You could end it all, what are you waiting for?
Instead you turn around.
Life is so fragile, and nobody realises that.
We forget so many things. When you order your morning coffee, or walking to class, take a look around at the people. Really, truly look at them.
What do you see?
Do you just see the colour of their hair, or that their nose is too big for their face, or do you see a person.
A living, breathing person, who just like you, wakes up every morning, gets dressed and tries to live their life.
Stop looking at everyone else like they are the problem. Maybe the problem is you, maybe you need to treat people more like what they are, a person, a living human being, not just an object.

Next time you're waiting in line, or walking around, try to look at someone honestly, don't focus on their clothes, or hair or the way their makeup is. Try to see into their heart, and if you accomplish this, I promise you, you'll start to hate people less.
You need patience, you need respect. You need to be kind, and you need to have an honest heart.

Just.. stop.

Relationships are hard work.
The only good thing that comes out of a relationship is at the end of it, you realise you don't want anyone.

You get hurt, and who wants to get hurt?
You know, you go into this knowing that you're going to get hurt, so stop complaining when you break up with your so called 'world' because deep down you knew it was coming to this.
Every kiss is just one kiss closer to your last.
Every hug is just one hug closer to your last.
Every word shared between two people is just word closer to goodbye.

Keep your distance, don't get hurt.
As soon as you start to depend on someone, slap yourself in the fucking face, and wake up to reality. You're going to end up exactly where you started, alone.

Just you.

I won't answer my door late at night when you need someone.
I won't be the one hanging around my phone when you need someone.
You need yourself, and that is all. Don't kid yourself, you only need youself.
Nobody else matters, nobody else will be there. Only you.
Nobody else will be there when you cry, only you.
Nobody else will be there as the blood runs onto your sheets, only you.
Nobody else will hear the pain in your voice, only you.
You need yourself.
You need yourself to live.
And that is all.


Feline features

Just some photos. The fur jacket cost me $8 from an op shop. And those eyeshadows were about $20 each, super handy!
Then I dressed up like a cat tehe, because I'm bored.
Almost no foundation on *chuckles*
Friday night spent alone again :(
They say the best thing about a photo is that it never changes,
even when the person in it does...


Does it?

And you feel worthless, like nothing you do will ever make a difference.
What does it matter if you live or die, you're just a number in this world.


I’m about to go hang out with my ex for the first time in a few months.
My aim was to look effortlessly flawless, with a simple cute outfit that would just blow him away.
HAHAHA oh boy.. I know right?, dayum why can’t my hair do what I want it to do!

The thing is, is that I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but he ‘confessed his feelings’ (haha) to me, so it just makes it even more fun since he was the one who messed me around in the first place.
Okay, he will be here in five minutes, buh-byeee.

Why am I so scared? Take photos of my outfit later tonight :)


This be me, looking mighty fine after getting up at 4am and working all day -_-
So glad to be home, nomnom it's been a good day I'd say.
Early night tonight because I have to train someone tomorrow!
Eeeek, i've never trained anyone before :\
Wish me luck!

Photos and things I bought

First just a few photos of my weight.

Just a photo of my legs back in the day. (April 2010?)
Getting back to this
Work pants - My stomach now (10/10/2010)

Now, onto things I bought yesterday (9/10/2010)

Jumpsuit, $40. Looks better on haha my bad photo taking skills.
Straps come off, but I like it better with them on.
Size: S/M

Size 6 Dotti dress. On sale for $25 marked down from $70
Don't like it that much but decided to get it anyway haha. The bottom of it is just loose, couple cms above knees.

Supre dress/singlet. Really pretty for Summer. Singlet $15, lace dress $25

Shorts- First pair $30 from little store in Bunbury
Shorts- Second pair from Supre $38?


Lady Gaga

This be me before Lady Gaga in April.
I so wish I did something better with my hair maaan.
And that's my BEST FWIEND in the background.

Anyway, I went shopping today and bought kind of a lot... oops.
Love it all though! Super cute, I'll put some photos up later tonight :)

9th October 2010

Yum yum yum coffee and fruit for brunch :)
Going into the shops soon, I need to charge batteries for my camera so I can take some more photos.
I'm super tired though, and it shows... BUT I fishtail braided my hair.

And, I lost just under two kgs, pretty happy about that. Maybe I should look on the bright side of things for a change.

Good things about today:
I have coffee at this hour
I get to see my best friend
I have a lot of money to spend (yeee this never happens)
I managed to fishtail braid my hair.
I'm in a good mood today
Bad things about today:
I'm look tired and I feel really tired.

Wow, you see what I did there, now go do that for yourself right now!


Those boots were $70 from Dotti, size seven. Squeezed my little ol' foot in there.
Oh, I'm actually catching up with an ex on Thursday. I'm not overly excited, it may be awkward. It's confusing you know, he comes back to me saying he misses me and he doesn't know what he did. I understand, I've been in the exact same situation, he's a fun guy to be around so I thought hey, why not catch up and chat and get pizza and chill at the beach at four am like old times.
Might do me some good.
On another note, I'm going shopping tomorrow. Yeyyy <3

Old times.

This photo reminds me of so many good things. I just left a horrid place and was finding a new one. I was looking for new jobs, a new life. I also remember what perfume I was wearing, which may seem weird, but I think that if I buy the same one, I might feel a hint of this happiness I had when this photo was taken.
I will forever love this photo, not for how it looks, or the fact that I'm doing some stupid face I find funny. It's the memories, the scent of good times. Everything that was good is right here.