'This is not a once off, or something that lasts for a week. I don't know what caused this, but it's been with me for months. I silently ask for help as tears stream down my face. I can't feel anything else besides this pain. I want it to stop! I try, i try my hardest but nothing will make this go away. Nothing. I don't want to get out of bed, or talk to others, i'd rather stay, couped up in my blankets where nobody can see me, I can not waste anybodys time anymore. The cuts across my leg mean something, but you will never understand why I do this, why I will lay in my bed awake all night crying, why I have isolated myself from everyone and everything. You will never know the pain I feel, the anger inside of me. You will never know the depth of my suicide thoughts. I can not talk to anybody about this. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone.'

And those were the last words she wrote.


Inside to my thoughts, 10%

I'm trying to detangle my thoughts, right now not even they make sense to me. I'm always thinking. These thoughts cause me to become distracted and stare into space, and I constantly have people asking me what's wrong. Well, nothing is wrong, i'm just thinking. What about you might ask, well, maybe one day I will let you into my mind, but for now, you will never know what I am thinking. Maybe it's caused by trust being broken by the people who ask, or the fact that I am not willing to let anyone close to me as I know I will eventually let them down, or vise versa. I'm not able to give my all to someone, I may give 30% or 90% but never have I given 100%. I am unable to show affection. Why? Well, you could say that I'm afraid. Of many things really, things that don't even make sense to me yet. Right now, I would be more than happy to sit at the bottom of the ocean and watch all the beautiful fish pass by, nobody knowing where I have gone. The future scares me to the point where I don't even think about it most of the time. When people ask me - 'What do you want to do when you are older?' I simply smile and say I don't know. That is a lie, though. I know what I want to be but I don't let anyone know, sometimes I even forget I want to do that. I'm scared that I will not reach that goal of mine, and I most likely won't. You see, the thing is, I am extremely lazy, and if I don't set any dreams or goals, I'll reduce the risk of letting myself down. I guess I should wrap this up. I have to go now, I might continue this in another blog. I don't know. I don't even know who reads this so I can't put everything that I want to say in here.