'This is not a once off, or something that lasts for a week. I don't know what caused this, but it's been with me for months. I silently ask for help as tears stream down my face. I can't feel anything else besides this pain. I want it to stop! I try, i try my hardest but nothing will make this go away. Nothing. I don't want to get out of bed, or talk to others, i'd rather stay, couped up in my blankets where nobody can see me, I can not waste anybodys time anymore. The cuts across my leg mean something, but you will never understand why I do this, why I will lay in my bed awake all night crying, why I have isolated myself from everyone and everything. You will never know the pain I feel, the anger inside of me. You will never know the depth of my suicide thoughts. I can not talk to anybody about this. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone.'
And those were the last words she wrote.
I'm trying to detangle my thoughts, right now not even they make sense to me. I'm always thinking. These thoughts cause me to become distracted and stare into space, and I constantly have people asking me what's wrong. Well, nothing is wrong, i'm just thinking. What about you might ask, well, maybe one day I will let you into my mind, but for now, you will never know what I am thinking. Maybe it's caused by trust being broken by the people who ask, or the fact that I am not willing to let anyone close to me as I know I will eventually let them down, or vise versa. I'm not able to give my all to someone, I may give 30% or 90% but never have I given 100%. I am unable to show affection. Why? Well, you could say that I'm afraid. Of many things really, things that don't even make sense to me yet. Right now, I would be more than happy to sit at the bottom of the ocean and watch all the beautiful fish pass by, nobody knowing where I have gone. The future scares me to the point where I don't even think about it most of the time. When people ask me - 'What do you want to do when you are older?' I simply smile and say I don't know. That is a lie, though. I know what I want to be but I don't let anyone know, sometimes I even forget I want to do that. I'm scared that I will not reach that goal of mine, and I most likely won't. You see, the thing is, I am extremely lazy, and if I don't set any dreams or goals, I'll reduce the risk of letting myself down. I guess I should wrap this up. I have to go now, I might continue this in another blog. I don't know. I don't even know who reads this so I can't put everything that I want to say in here.