'This is not a once off, or something that lasts for a week. I don't know what caused this, but it's been with me for months. I silently ask for help as tears stream down my face. I can't feel anything else besides this pain. I want it to stop! I try, i try my hardest but nothing will make this go away. Nothing. I don't want to get out of bed, or talk to others, i'd rather stay, couped up in my blankets where nobody can see me, I can not waste anybodys time anymore. The cuts across my leg mean something, but you will never understand why I do this, why I will lay in my bed awake all night crying, why I have isolated myself from everyone and everything. You will never know the pain I feel, the anger inside of me. You will never know the depth of my suicide thoughts. I can not talk to anybody about this. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone.'
And those were the last words she wrote.
Saturday
Tuesday
Inside to my thoughts, 10%
I'm trying to detangle my thoughts, right now not even they make sense to me. I'm always thinking. These thoughts cause me to become distracted and stare into space, and I constantly have people asking me what's wrong. Well, nothing is wrong, i'm just thinking. What about you might ask, well, maybe one day I will let you into my mind, but for now, you will never know what I am thinking. Maybe it's caused by trust being broken by the people who ask, or the fact that I am not willing to let anyone close to me as I know I will eventually let them down, or vise versa. I'm not able to give my all to someone, I may give 30% or 90% but never have I given 100%. I am unable to show affection. Why? Well, you could say that I'm afraid. Of many things really, things that don't even make sense to me yet. Right now, I would be more than happy to sit at the bottom of the ocean and watch all the beautiful fish pass by, nobody knowing where I have gone. The future scares me to the point where I don't even think about it most of the time. When people ask me - 'What do you want to do when you are older?' I simply smile and say I don't know. That is a lie, though. I know what I want to be but I don't let anyone know, sometimes I even forget I want to do that. I'm scared that I will not reach that goal of mine, and I most likely won't. You see, the thing is, I am extremely lazy, and if I don't set any dreams or goals, I'll reduce the risk of letting myself down. I guess I should wrap this up. I have to go now, I might continue this in another blog. I don't know. I don't even know who reads this so I can't put everything that I want to say in here.
Monday
Life I guess.
I've made many mistakes, but i've learnt from every single one. It's made me grow in so many ways.
I feel I am alot more mature than I was a year ago, I can hold an intelligent conversation, I can make strong decisions on my own and I don't need to hold someones hand to get where I want.
----------------------------------------------------------
I realised true friends don't stab you in the back, they don't tell you bullshit. I realised life isn't always fair, and although you may get angry, and want to kill everything in your path, it's nobodys fault, sometimes it's not even your own fault. It's just the way things happen, that's life. Life isnt fair, or easy or anything that we want and expect it to be. I've learnt to be more open minded, and step outside the square and take in the whole picture. Be more understanding, accepting. I've learnt how to love, and be loved in return. I've learnt to love myself no matter how bad my hair is that day. I now know it's not horrible to be seen without my makeup, and that people look absolutely beautiful when they first wake up in the morning.
----------------------------------------------------------
I believe everything happens for a reason, and although you may not find that reason straight away, you will. It could take weeks, or years. but one day you will look back and say 'Wow, if I never did that, this would not be happening today'
This blog is jumping everywhere, but I need to get everything off of my chest.
I feel I am alot more mature than I was a year ago, I can hold an intelligent conversation, I can make strong decisions on my own and I don't need to hold someones hand to get where I want.
----------------------------------------------------------
I realised true friends don't stab you in the back, they don't tell you bullshit. I realised life isn't always fair, and although you may get angry, and want to kill everything in your path, it's nobodys fault, sometimes it's not even your own fault. It's just the way things happen, that's life. Life isnt fair, or easy or anything that we want and expect it to be. I've learnt to be more open minded, and step outside the square and take in the whole picture. Be more understanding, accepting. I've learnt how to love, and be loved in return. I've learnt to love myself no matter how bad my hair is that day. I now know it's not horrible to be seen without my makeup, and that people look absolutely beautiful when they first wake up in the morning.
----------------------------------------------------------
I believe everything happens for a reason, and although you may not find that reason straight away, you will. It could take weeks, or years. but one day you will look back and say 'Wow, if I never did that, this would not be happening today'
This blog is jumping everywhere, but I need to get everything off of my chest.
Sunday
Kind letters
I was reading this blog of letters, and this is one that really made me smile. Comparing emotions to weather, different but very well done :)
April 10, 2006
Dear Crystal,
I'm so sorry to hear that life is getting you down at the moment. Goodness knows, it can be so tough when nothing seems to fit and little seems to be fulfilling. I'm not sure there's any specific advice I can give that will help bring life back its savour. Although they mean well, it's sometimes quite galling to be reminded how much people love you when you don't love yourself that much.
I've found that it's of some help to think of one's moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather:
Here are some obvious things about the weather:
It's real.
You can't change it by wishing it away.
If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.
BUT
It will be sunny one day.
It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
One day.
It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are as real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault.
BUT
They will pass: they really will.
In the same way that one has to accept the weather, so one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes. "Today's a crap day," is a perfectly realistic approach. It's all about finding a kind of mental umbrella. "Hey-ho, it's raining inside: it isn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage."
I don't know if any of that is of any use: it may not seem it, and if so, I'm sorry. I just thought I'd drop you a line to wish you well in your search to find a little more pleasure and purpose in life.
Very best wishes
(Signed)
Stephen Fry
April 10, 2006
Dear Crystal,
I'm so sorry to hear that life is getting you down at the moment. Goodness knows, it can be so tough when nothing seems to fit and little seems to be fulfilling. I'm not sure there's any specific advice I can give that will help bring life back its savour. Although they mean well, it's sometimes quite galling to be reminded how much people love you when you don't love yourself that much.
I've found that it's of some help to think of one's moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather:
Here are some obvious things about the weather:
It's real.
You can't change it by wishing it away.
If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.
BUT
It will be sunny one day.
It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
One day.
It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are as real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault.
BUT
They will pass: they really will.
In the same way that one has to accept the weather, so one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes. "Today's a crap day," is a perfectly realistic approach. It's all about finding a kind of mental umbrella. "Hey-ho, it's raining inside: it isn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage."
I don't know if any of that is of any use: it may not seem it, and if so, I'm sorry. I just thought I'd drop you a line to wish you well in your search to find a little more pleasure and purpose in life.
Very best wishes
(Signed)
Stephen Fry
Saturday
The truth
So, I was up last night at about 3am, I couldnt sleep and I decided to write something, and this is what I wrote:
Do we want to hear the whole truth about ourselves? Is honesty always the best policy?
My answer to those questions is no.
I once got told that the truth about the truth is it hurts, so we lie.
I believe that nobody wants to hear the blunt, painful truth about themselves. We build up a fantasy of what we want to believe how people think about us, and the truth brings us back to reality.
Maybe that's why we lie, not to save ourselves from pain, but to save ourselves from the reality of life.
Do we want to hear the whole truth about ourselves? Is honesty always the best policy?
My answer to those questions is no.
I once got told that the truth about the truth is it hurts, so we lie.
I believe that nobody wants to hear the blunt, painful truth about themselves. We build up a fantasy of what we want to believe how people think about us, and the truth brings us back to reality.
Maybe that's why we lie, not to save ourselves from pain, but to save ourselves from the reality of life.
Friday
Why girls are better than guys
So, I was sitting on my bed one day, absolutely bored, letting my mind wander and I was thinking of many reasons why girls are better than guys :D
Here is the list i came up with
#1. We can hide it if we're turned on
#2. When we sit on the toilet, nobody will know if we're shitting, or pissing
#3. We have more choice in fashion
#4. We can complain about random shit for no reason
#5. We can wear makeup without getting weird looks
#6. We live longer
#7. We are more caring and compasionate
#8. Generally, we smell better
#9. We can have children
#10. We know how to use sex to get what we want ;)
#11. We have more class then men
#12. We are more 'in touch' with our emotions
#13. We can kiss a member of the same sex and people think it's hot
#14. We have an excuse to go crazy once a month
#15. We can cry whenever we want without it being gay
That's all i came up with, i'll add more later
Here is the list i came up with
#1. We can hide it if we're turned on
#2. When we sit on the toilet, nobody will know if we're shitting, or pissing
#3. We have more choice in fashion
#4. We can complain about random shit for no reason
#5. We can wear makeup without getting weird looks
#6. We live longer
#7. We are more caring and compasionate
#8. Generally, we smell better
#9. We can have children
#10. We know how to use sex to get what we want ;)
#11. We have more class then men
#12. We are more 'in touch' with our emotions
#13. We can kiss a member of the same sex and people think it's hot
#14. We have an excuse to go crazy once a month
#15. We can cry whenever we want without it being gay
That's all i came up with, i'll add more later
Saturday
Fake friends
Haha yes, real friends vs. fake friends.
I must say, I now who who fits into each category.
Haha, so, I now know who the fake bitches are, and thank you. Thank you for awakening me from my dream and bringing my back to real life. Really.
Could you not just tell me to my face that you didn't wanna hang out anymore, did you really have to go make up excuses like 'Oh, I didn't know you werent invited' then go giggle behind my back to the rest of you guys, knowing full well what you did was no mistake.
Thanks for treating me like shit, and although I will never know what I did, maybe it's jealousy, maybe you just are a plain and simple bitch. I don't know. But I will never, ever waste my time with you again only to be treated like shit.
My last words for you; fuck you.
I must say, I now who who fits into each category.
Haha, so, I now know who the fake bitches are, and thank you. Thank you for awakening me from my dream and bringing my back to real life. Really.
Could you not just tell me to my face that you didn't wanna hang out anymore, did you really have to go make up excuses like 'Oh, I didn't know you werent invited' then go giggle behind my back to the rest of you guys, knowing full well what you did was no mistake.
Thanks for treating me like shit, and although I will never know what I did, maybe it's jealousy, maybe you just are a plain and simple bitch. I don't know. But I will never, ever waste my time with you again only to be treated like shit.
My last words for you; fuck you.
Monday
I do miss you
It's funny, how you can say 'I don't care' as much as you want, and you can fool everyone around you but the one person you don't fool is yourself.
You know your secrets, you know exactly how you feel about something.
There are many things I wish for
I wish that I never said some things I did, I wish I never acted a certain way, and also I wish I never said that I didn't want that friendship, because that friendship is something I want more than anything.
Have you ever shared your whole self with someone, given EVERYTHING to them, and then end up where I am now.
I miss the friendship we had, no matter how much I say I dont care about it.
I've said my sorrys, and I guess that's all I can do, is know i've tried to do the right thing.
Oh well *smiles*
You know your secrets, you know exactly how you feel about something.
There are many things I wish for
I wish that I never said some things I did, I wish I never acted a certain way, and also I wish I never said that I didn't want that friendship, because that friendship is something I want more than anything.
Have you ever shared your whole self with someone, given EVERYTHING to them, and then end up where I am now.
I miss the friendship we had, no matter how much I say I dont care about it.
I've said my sorrys, and I guess that's all I can do, is know i've tried to do the right thing.
Oh well *smiles*
Saturday
My day
Today was the most eventful Saturday I've had in a while, I know right, how sad.
But Dad woke me and Tiffannie up at 6:30am, which totally sucked because it was so early, and so cold. But i dealt with it and got a shower blah blah. So, we drove all the way to Busselton for Maccas, had breakfast at Maccas, mmm pancakes, hashbrowns and bacon burger things, you know those breakfast muffins, yeah, them. Cameron wanted fanta for breakfast, whaaaat? No.
Anyway, so we had breakfast, I got to dads car and his car was so dirty so I wrote 'I'm a loser' on the back, cause i'm hell mature haha. We went for a drive around Nanup (i can't spell it, sorry) and all these other places that was just all bush. It was so relaxing, in a way. Because I havent been out like that in so long. Anyway, so I went into these op shops, and antique shops. And we saw bike riders that had fluffy ears attached to their helmets LOL. And, a sheep that was scratching itself against a tree, and the tree was bending hahaha. So yeah, we went around everywhere site seeing basically, it was good. And then we went to a vegetable shop, and some lady dropped all these lollies, and i helped her pick them up. So that was my good deed for the day :)
Then I came home, and had a huge sleep. The end.
But Dad woke me and Tiffannie up at 6:30am, which totally sucked because it was so early, and so cold. But i dealt with it and got a shower blah blah. So, we drove all the way to Busselton for Maccas, had breakfast at Maccas, mmm pancakes, hashbrowns and bacon burger things, you know those breakfast muffins, yeah, them. Cameron wanted fanta for breakfast, whaaaat? No.
Anyway, so we had breakfast, I got to dads car and his car was so dirty so I wrote 'I'm a loser' on the back, cause i'm hell mature haha. We went for a drive around Nanup (i can't spell it, sorry) and all these other places that was just all bush. It was so relaxing, in a way. Because I havent been out like that in so long. Anyway, so I went into these op shops, and antique shops. And we saw bike riders that had fluffy ears attached to their helmets LOL. And, a sheep that was scratching itself against a tree, and the tree was bending hahaha. So yeah, we went around everywhere site seeing basically, it was good. And then we went to a vegetable shop, and some lady dropped all these lollies, and i helped her pick them up. So that was my good deed for the day :)
Then I came home, and had a huge sleep. The end.
Tuesday
Love
I do not, by any means, take credit for this. I found this somewhere, and I agreed with it so much.
Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.
Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.
It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.
It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole
Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.
Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.
It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.
It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole
Monday
Virginity
Yes, I'm talking about losing your virginity, and to who.
I know many people who are not virgins, who have given their virginity away at the age of fourteen-fifteen, but the worst part is, they barely know the person they are doing it with, and that hurts me.
Virginity is meant to be something special, you're meant to lose it to someone you love, and trust and know very well. I think girls these days forget the importance of it, and throw it away like it means nothing.
But then, then there are the girls who get pressured into it by their friends or the 'leader' of the pact they are following. They do not want to have sex with the person they don't know, but know they have to if they want to be part of the group still. Personally, I don't agree with this, if they are your true friends, they will respect you're not ready. But also, the girl that's being pressured has to know where to draw the line, and stand up for herself, and back out when she knows it's not right, and knows she is not ready.
I think it's trashy to see someone brag about having sex with a random at a party at such a young age, and drop down to their knees whenever a guy talks to them. I think girls are losing their self respect, and they need to get it back, because who knows what kind of person you'll be meeting next a party, who knows the dangers he may bring upon you.
I know many people who are not virgins, who have given their virginity away at the age of fourteen-fifteen, but the worst part is, they barely know the person they are doing it with, and that hurts me.
Virginity is meant to be something special, you're meant to lose it to someone you love, and trust and know very well. I think girls these days forget the importance of it, and throw it away like it means nothing.
But then, then there are the girls who get pressured into it by their friends or the 'leader' of the pact they are following. They do not want to have sex with the person they don't know, but know they have to if they want to be part of the group still. Personally, I don't agree with this, if they are your true friends, they will respect you're not ready. But also, the girl that's being pressured has to know where to draw the line, and stand up for herself, and back out when she knows it's not right, and knows she is not ready.
I think it's trashy to see someone brag about having sex with a random at a party at such a young age, and drop down to their knees whenever a guy talks to them. I think girls are losing their self respect, and they need to get it back, because who knows what kind of person you'll be meeting next a party, who knows the dangers he may bring upon you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
